In the beginning
there was a bass.
It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a
Jazz - nobody knows.
Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-CBS.
And God looked down
upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good, in
fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later
try). And so he let it be and He created a man to play the bass.
And lo, the man
looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful sunburst red, and he
loved it. He played upon the open E-string and the note rang
through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments. Thus
reverb came to be. And it was good. And God heard that it was good
and He smiled at His handiwork.
In the course of
time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo, it was funky.
And God heard this
funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.
And more time
passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice
upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set
of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes
rippled like a breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this
sound that sounded something like the wind, which He had created
earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture,
which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not pleased. And He
spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
Now the man heard
the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that
he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the
heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in
confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that is
another story.)
And God heard this
- how could He miss it - and lo, He became bugged. And He spoke to
the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I
would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
And the man heard
the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had
upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the
frets off the bass that God had created. And the man did slide his
fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon
the neck. And in his excitement, the man did forget the
commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies
and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault
and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.
Now God's wrath was
great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He
said, "OK for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I
shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall player higher than
you can even think of."
"And from out
of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And I shall make you
to always stand next to the drummer, and he shall play so many
notes thine head shall ache."
"You think
you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to
make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other
instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and
faster than the bass."
"And for all
the days of man, your curse shall be this: that all the other
musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes.
And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say
'wow,' but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you
you're ready for your solo career, and they shall find other bass
players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play
your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in
the night."
"And if you
finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand
and go to the bar for a drink."
And it was so.
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